I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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