Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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