Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
