Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize