I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
