Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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