We named our party play list daddy issues
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize