all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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