Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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