the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
My bed smells like the plague
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
