Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
