I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
