Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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