i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
