"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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