totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
You left your underwear on the fireplace
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
