After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Randomize
