When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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