Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?
It's worth it.
How worth it?
Back door worth it
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
