bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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