Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
that is very illegal...i love you.
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