I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
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