Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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