dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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