I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
