The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
