That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
