all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
