So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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