So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
