it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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