So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
