He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
There's always time for handjobs
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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