You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
