We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
