she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
