I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I stole a fireplace last night.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
ok first of all what the fuck
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
