dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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