It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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