Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
