so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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