We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
