my mouth tastes like poor choices
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
