I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
My liver just had a heart attack.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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