remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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