we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
