1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Someone shattered a urinal.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
