Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Randomize
