Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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