my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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