peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
