so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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