Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
