Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
