my mouth tastes like poor choices
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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