I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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