If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
